Thursday, April 29, 2010

"I'm peeing out of the wrong hole."

I was the triage nurse last night and a 30-something woman came in with her friend. This is how it went...


I open with my old standard, "So, what brings you here today?"


She states, "I'm peeing out the wrong hole."


"Um, how did you come to notice this? Were you having pain with urination or something?" I'm sure the look on my face was like I had just taken a big bite out of an onion.


"You know that bump down there? Well, I was shaving down there and I noticed that I peed a little and it came out of a hole below that bump. I have two holes down there! There's the vagina and then there's a hole above that but below the bump. I'm peeing out a different hole!" 


It was all I could do NOT to laugh. "Well, all women have two holes down there. One is the vagina and one is the urethra. The urethra is where urine comes out." 


I took her to the bathroom to collect a urine sample and she said, "Shouldn't we wait so that the doctor can watch me pee to see that it's coming out the wrong hole?"


"It could be a while before you see a doctor. I think we should collect a urine now and by the time the doctor gets to you, the urine test will be back."


I walked back to the nurses' station and said, "You are NOT going to believe this!" I proceeded to tell the doctor what the deal was and he said that she could have some sort of actual problem. I said, "Dude, she doesn't realize that there are two holes down there. She's peeing out the right hole, but she needs an anatomy lesson or something!" 


I went to the room with the doctor and the patient again relayed her reason for being here. She said she called the nurse advisor and was told to come right in. I brought a mirror to the room and the pt whipped her legs open and pointed out the "landmarks" she was referring to. The bump was her clitoris. Then she pointed out the "extra hole" that the pee came out of -- which was her urethra. We told her that was normal, but she continued to insist that urine came out of the clitoris! I kid you not. The doctor repeated all the basic anatomy and physiology of the female genitalia to the patient and she was discharged home. Her friend said, "I TOLD HER that pee didn't come out of her clitoris!"




This chick came to the ER to be told that she has a pee hole and a sex hole. Oh my God. And she is a MOTHER!

2 comments:

A Date In History said...

This is unreal! I'm hysterical and extremely frightened at the same time! It's just beyond my comprehension that a "mother" (and I use the term loosely) would not understand the anatomy of her body. I love this J - keep it up, it's way cool!

Jayne M. Johnson said...

It is amazing, isn't it? Sadly, I see this sort of thing routinely. Working in an ER is a real eye-opener!